Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
