i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
