Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
