Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
