idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
