dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
