I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
