I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
