Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
