GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
