I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize