Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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