I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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