I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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