Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
