shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize