I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
