So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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