what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
