So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
