somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
