Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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