i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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