I'm lost and stupid without you.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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