i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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