If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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