Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
did i just pee glitter
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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