dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
