You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
birth control should be required to get into college
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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