tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
