if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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