You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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