I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
