dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
