nut hugger
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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