I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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