wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I am spending my child support on dildos
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
