At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Sober January is a disaster.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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