I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
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