my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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