I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Just took my morning after pill in the library
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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