apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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