Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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