It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
These tits shall not be calmed
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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