He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
