I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Pants are for mortals
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
