Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
