Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
