Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
