this beer tastes like vomit already
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
