well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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