Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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