Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
