Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Randomize
