I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
