I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
