Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Semen is not good for contacts.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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