We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
