She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
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